Farewell, my foreigner.

How hard is it to not say everything you have in mind for over 10 months as you have only a few hours left to be together? The hardest feeling that ever hit me.

Just like everyone else’s college life, our college life is now over. The last day was beautiful yet hurtful. Knowing the fact that the last day was our major project practical where we eventually had to sit together, was pretty scary for me at first. Thinking of what to ask you on our last day of college was very difficult, thinking of how to react with you sitting next to me and I even can not hold you like I used to, kills me.

I remember myself being excited as it was the first day of college. I bought myself a set of earphones(Skullcandy) so that I could pass my time while coming back from college, as our cute lil college was just 40km away in the next state. I was scared thinking of how college life is going to be? How others are going to react to my sarcastic comments, how my friends are going to be, how my teachers are going to be, a lot of silly yet important questions at the same time? 4 years that were about to start looked scary at first, but after a week or so, it seemed as if it will just be fine.

While coping myself from getting used to college, I got to know that a guy from my girlfriend’s college is trying to persuade her by saying “not good” things about me. Getting to know about it, made me feel sad, as to how can someone be so… bad? It happens mostly with every girl, right? I mean by only those who are desperate enough. And in a few days, we got separated. And guess what, within a month or so, they both were together, ironic, isn’t it? On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the most painful feeling, I was feeling 11. Not because she left, but because she is now with the same person who used to say inappropriate things about me, but what can we say, shit happens.

Then, the real questions started of self-doubt, self-worth, and what not, not very often and not for very long, but yeah it did for a few months. Coming back from college was now even more difficult. In just 6 months, I realized a lot of things about myself. The places where I might have gone wrong in that relationship. It was a huge list, but mostly it was three main things.

1. I never held hands. 2. I never used to sit beside her. 3. I did not give her time.

Though the separation was mutual still I thought of these things as I wanted to make sure I do not repeat in the future as to respect the feelings of the other person.

And then things changed when I started noticing you.

It’s not like I didn’t see you in our college bus since day one, but it was just that I was already seeing someone, and saying anything or flirt with you would be ethically and morally wrong for me. But when months passed on realizing how bad I am in the relationship, I wished and hoped to be with you and took an oath of not repeating the mistakes which I did as a boyfriend before. When days started passing by the end of the first year, my hope decreased as talking to you was tough and I could not build much courage as I was afraid.

But the second year, or we can say mid-2017 was a pretty amazing year as you changed your branch and joined ours. Seeing you on the first day in our class brought my hope back. The first few days I could not believe of you sitting in the same classroom. Even then, I had to stay pretty cautious of things I used to do or say as you were around. I could not find a way of talking to you, which I really wanted to. And then, P and I planned of asking you to play ludo together, which you agreed. I was falling for you every day, but saying to myself of not repeating the mistakes again as you were perfect, I thought giving my 100% and to never break your heart or feelings. In a few months, I built the courage to finally ask you out.

On November 16, 2017, I did. Wearing shirts consecutively for 4 days, I finally did ask you on the bus. It was around 4:57 pm when you had your earphones on. I asked to remove those earphones and started saying this:

“I have been noticing you since the first year and it is great spending time with you and I like you more than a friend” adding to which I said of being scared “It’s okay to not reply to this, I just wanted to share this”. My hands were shaking as it was a bit silent after what I said and you resumed playing your song smiling. After that day, every day seemed pretty difficult for me to face you as I did not know what to say to you exactly after proposing.

On November 24, 2017, finally, you asked me to come to the bus early at around 3:45 pm. Believe me, I was scared more than the day when my board's results were supposed to be announced. Sitting on the aisle side of the bus on the fourth last seats, you said “YES”. For some time, I could not actually believe it, but then when it hit hard, my mind exploded. I felt super happy and wanted to tell it to my friends.

Giving 4th-semester exams together-to-giving you a surprise on your birthday in college-to-going to fests-to-going to movies-to-irritating the guards-to-fighting like children-to-taking long Uber rides-to-giving love-to-helping each other out-to-giving exams till 7the semester together-to-giving final year major project together, every second spend with you are the moments I cherish and am really happy to be in it.

It did not go well in the end(if it is), but the way it was going was pretty sweet, fights happen, but the way we tackled those really mattered. It’s not your mistake, it was mostly mine, where I was working harder to not repeat things that could take you away from me, but could not check on how much am I supposed to be working on.

When I remember you, I smile. :) So, even if you feel what happened was wrong or feel sad? Think of me dancing for you as I once did in our college bus for your special request and smile.

There was a lot to say and write on our last day of college but I chose to write this instead: “No words can define my love for you. Stay happy with whoever you will be.”

You are a very intelligent girl with a bit of anger but try to convert this anger to something useful for your own sake. You have been amazing, thank you for taking care of me and I will always respect you. I love you BB, always.

I hope we meet again with a new beginning and a lot of learnings from our past.

PEACE.